1. Avoid Lycra at all costs
Whatever patter they give you at the bike shop about ‘performance fabrics’ or the amazing comfort difference that you’ll notice – don’t believe it.
If you were Sir Chris Hoy or Victoria Pendleton, the use of a Lycra bodysuit might just shave precious seconds from your PB. But I guess you’re not. You are just a normal person who wants to ride their bike to work.
You’re an average Joe or Joanna. Dress like one. A pair of shorts – for ‘muscular ventilation’ – is probably about as technical as your fabrics need to go.
Just as it’s unnecessary to wear a £700 mountaineering jacket that could take you up the north face of the Eiger, for a stroll to the corner shop, the same goes for cycling.
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2. Don’t buy a fixie
Trendy. Yes. Especially in the eastern limits of our beloved capital city. But practical. Ha!
The freewheel – the device that allows you to rest your legs when your wheels are turning faster than the pedals – was a really good invention. No longer did you have to pointlessly churn the pedals whilst bombing downhill.
But here we are in 2012, and a collection of 21st century Luddites seem to be flooding back to these antiquated death traps. Okay, I can see the minimalist Scando look is quite tidy but just like those cool-looking Danish chairs that seem so tempting at the time, you’ll soon be hankering after something that actually does what you want it to.
But forget that. What about gears? Another great invention. On a fixie you’re in the wrong gear nearly the entire time. Unless you live in Holland. Which I know most of you don’t.
Everyone who rides a fixie says they wouldn’t go back. It’s all about being really ‘connected’ to the bike, apparently.
However, just about everyone else thinks you’re ridiculous for eschewing two of the greatest inventions in the history of cycling, for the sake of aesthetics. Don’t do it.
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3. Don’t sweat
For some reason – no one likes a sweater. It’s human nature to perspire a little bit when doing exercise. Especially if you’re a big, hairy bloke.
But for some reason, should you arrive at the office with a film of sweat reflecting off your brow, all your colleagues give you a dirty look, as though you’ve just rung off a peal of nose-curling flatulence.
Some of those lucky, beautiful people simply don’t sweat. They cycle all the way to work fully dressed, jump of their bike, straight into their first meeting, not a hair loose, no exterior signs of exercise.
That’s how it should be done. [Sweat gland removal is not yet available on the NHS.]
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In short..
Either join the smug, self-satisfied clique of cycle ponces, who like to spend their weekends discussing the relative pros and cons of Shimano spoke nipples or scooting around Hackney dressed like a mannequin from Sue Ryder. Or stay in the real world. Ride a bike. Treat it as a way of getting round. Don’t be a gimp.